


A Promise to Yourself...

by Soul_Vixen



Series: Of Nightmares and Daydreams [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety's kind of hostile at some points, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Cutting, I cannot write worth shit, Logan is also trying, Patton's trying, Roman needs a hug, Roman's kind of a jerk, Self-Harm, Why Did I Write This?, but hates himself for it, but with less success, he's trying okay?, the sides don't know Virgil's name in the beginning, they'll find out though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2020-08-23 19:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20247835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soul_Vixen/pseuds/Soul_Vixen
Summary: Is often the hardest to keep.Roman knows it's not healthy.He knows, but it's ridiculously hard to stop a habit after a while.So he continues to blame himself and continues to punish himself...But perhaps his family can help him out of the vicious cycle.(Beginning before 'Accepting Anxiety')





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is technically a prequel to 'My Nightmares are Real,' but you don't have to read that to understand this.
> 
> Forewarning, updates will be irregular.
> 
> Criticism is appreciated!
> 
> Thank you!

Roman sighed, resisting the urge to slam his head as hard as possible on the desk he was sitting at. This idea just wasn't taking form! It was more like a cloud of vapor; every time he tried to make something substantial out of it, it would fade out of existence, leaving a faint shape in the air that he didn't know what it was supposed to be. Not good for the embodiment of creativity.

Leaning back in his chair, he huffed out a breath that made his bangs floof up. This was absurd! He was Roman! He should be able to think of at least _ one _ thing by now! But alas, his mind was much too preoccupied. He scowled as he thought of his newest dilemma; Anxiety had actually forced Thomas to acknowledge him, the nerve of that emo!

Heaving himself off his chair, he accepted the fact that he couldn't focus, so he might as well good downstairs and see what the others were doing. 

Specifically Logan and Patton. He didn't really care about what Anxiety did as long as he stayed away from him.

And that was the other thing! This..._ intruder _ hadn't even introduced himself! And! He had the absolute _ audacity _ to refuse all of Patton's attempts to befriend him! 

** _Well, it's not like you know anything about him. There could be a good reason, you're just too blinded by your pride to see it._ **

_ You can shut up. _

Finally making his way down the stairs, he paused at the sight of Anxiety stretched out on the sofa like a lazy cat. The darker side opened an eye, glanced at Roman, and dismissed him as something unimportant, closing his eyes again and turning away.

However Roman was not to be fooled. He had been required to study body language for a long time, fighting monstrous creatures in the Imagination and putting on spectacular performances. He could tell whether someone was going to be on the offensive or defensive with just a slight shift in footing. Anxiety was always on edge, but had seemed fine when no one had been around him originally, but as soon Roman walked down the stairs, he could see that Anxiety was immediately on the defensive. Shoulders drawn in just enough to be noticeable, hands gripping the soft sleeves of his black hoodie tightly, and eyes flickering to wherever the darker trait could hear Roman. He had even drawn his legs slightly closer to himself, as though getting ready to bolt.

Ignoring all of this, he continued on his way to the kitchen, where Patton was humming to himself and flipping through different cook books.

“Greetings, Patdre! What are you doing?” Roman questioned, tossing his arm over the fatherly sides’ shoulders. 

If Patton noticed the wince of pain after Roman's arm made contact with his shoulder, he didn't call attention to it.

“Hey, kiddo!” He chirped. “I'm just trying to figure out what to make today! What do you think?”

“A majestic cake of course!”

“I'll put it into consideration! But don't get all _ half-baked _ if it doesn't turn out exactly like the way you're thinking, all right?” He winked and there was a snort from the couch. Roman bristled, fully prepared to defend Patton's honor and enthusiasm for puns until he saw that the sound was actually a laugh for the anxious side. 

Patton turned to include him. “Oh! Anxiety, what do _ you _think I should make?” His eyes were bright and hopeful as the younger side shifted to sit upright and look at them over the back of the couch, still with a slight smirk on his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but-

“Patton, why are you asking him?” Roman questioned, feeling a black pit form in his stomach as he saw all the cheer (or contentment, but really, there wasn't much of either) drain from Anxiety's face, leaving a dead look in his eyes and an expressionless mask. Patton's smile became dimmed as well, and Roman felt even worse, sliding his fingers under his sleeves to pick at just barely scabbed over lines on his arm, digging harder than he should've.

“He's part of the family now, Ro,” Patton said, subdued enthusiasm and disapproval evident on his face. “And in this family, we value each other's opinions.”

“But we don't know anything about him, Pat!” Roman argued back, feeling the horror at himself grow with every word. “Family doesn't keep secrets from each other!” He yelped as he felt his nail snag on a particularly large cut and tear it open as though reminding him that he was also keeping secrets from his family.

He felt a sting as Patton threw up his hands, completely disregarding the sound of pain Roman had made. “We all have our own secrets, Roman! I can guarantee that you don't know everything about me, and that's fine! It's not really yours, or Logan's, or Anxiety's concern. We don't barge into your room demanding to let us know everything about you, so let him have the same courtesy. Okay?” Roman nodded wordlessly and ducked his head, glancing at the impassive side just before he ducked out, presumably to his room.

Roman followed suit.

Appearing back in his bedroom, he gripped his hair as he paced.

** _You absolute moron._ **

_ Oh, shut up, we can fix this. _

** _Did you not see what _ ** ** _you_ ** ** _ caused? There's no fixing that. Stop trying to make these things look better than they actually are. And stop telling me to shut up, it's not like it solves anything. _ **

Roman ripped his hands from his hair where the grip was becoming more painful and tore open his bottom dresser drawer, where he carefully pulled out something that shimmered in the bright lights of his room.

Pausing briefly to turn the ornate dagger over in his hand, he continued at a much slower pace to his bed and sat down.

He stared at it before throwing it to the side.

_ We promised. _

_ I will not go back to that. _

** _You literally did it again yesterday._ **

_ And then told myself to stop. _

** _Then why is the thing back in your hand?_ **

Roman glanced down at his hands and groaned.

Sitting in silence for a few seconds, he bit his lip.

_ I mean… one can’t hurt, right? _

** _Oh my god._ **

Disregarding the voice, he let the tip of the blade settle into his skin, tracing light patterns before pressing down until blood beaded up from the shallow cut.

But just like before, and all the other times, he didn’t stop after just one. He continued, going slightly deeper with each one until the voice finally screeched at him.

** _SOMEONE’S COMING YOU IDIOT._ **

Roman cursed quietly, tossing the knife somewhere into the depths of the space between his bed and his wall (which, let’s be honest, is basically a Bermuda Triangle, so he was _ never _ going to find it again) and sat up while tugging down his sleeve. 

“You may enter my humble abode!” he called grandly.

He was expecting Patton to be there, so it came as a shock when Logan poked his head through the doorway with a bland expression. 

“I was requested to inform you that there is a massive cake downstairs that Patton is currently decorating with Anxiety. However, our presence is also required as we are to each do a level of the cake.”

Logan huffed out a breath and muttered “which is probably going to leave at least one of us in tears.”

“‘Tears’ like cake tiers?”

Logan's face went pink before he coughed and ducked out of the doorway. Roman grinned and trailed after him, already planning on what he would do for his part of the cake.

That _ was the last time. _

_ I promise. _


	2. Chapter 2

As Logan stalked down the stairs with Roman trailing after him, they were met by the sound of Patton's light giggling and a softer sounding snicker. Entering the kitchen allowed them to see that Anxiety was standing a bit back and watching Patton attempt to clamber onto the counter to reach the top of the three foot tall cake. 

“Might I suggest using a step stool to prevent any accidents from occurring?” Logan said as he swept past them, heading for the very stool he had mentioned.

“Well, Patton already fell off the counter once, so…” Anxiety trailed off as he caught sight of Roman watching him from the corner. Shrinking back slightly he let his gaze drop for a moment before looking back up with a very forced sneer. 

Roman was more focused on the way that the darker trait was tugging his oversized sleeves down over his hands and tucking them behind his back. He recognized those movements, especially since he had down them before, but…

He dismissed it from his mind.  _ Probably just a nervous tick or something. There's no way he would do…  _ _ that _ _ . _

His attention was then tugged over to Patton as he clapped his hands eagerly. “Okay! So there's eight layers, which means we can each do two. Good?”

They nodded, and Patton grinned while tossing several packs of different colored icings and food coloring out. 

Logan went at the bottom two layers, grabbing several dark blues, greens, and a few other colors just because. He was planning on doing some geometric shapes that would fit together to shape a picture, like a mosaic.

Patton was next, working with a multitude of pastel blues, pinks, and yellows. He wasn't quite sure what to do with his, but at least he would have fun with his family!

Anxiety and Roman glanced at each other before Roman motioned forward. Anxiety's eyes widened minutely, but he stepped towards the cake. Glancing at the different colors, he ran his fingers over them before swiping the grays, black, and white. His gaze lingered on the purples, though, until he turned away. Roman frowned.

_ Why didn't he take the colors he wanted? _

Shrugging it off, he stepped forward and grabbed the vibrant red, a shimmering gold, a dark green, and a few more warmer colors along with a blue. 

There was silence for a bit while they worked, undisturbed except for Patton's happy humming. Then Logan's voice broke the quiet atmosphere.

“Patton, while I appreciate your enthusiasm for your work, please aim to put less icing on your layers. It's running down onto mine.”

“Oops! Sorry Logan!”

“It's fine, just be a bit more careful where you place your icing.”

Roman glanced up in time to see a mischievous gleam enter Patton's eyes. The cardigan-wearing side squeezed some bright yellow frosting on to his hand, waited for a moment, and quickly smeared it down the length of Logan's cheek and across his nose, nearly knocking his glasses off in the process.

There was a second where it looked as though Logan stopped functioning until he stood up and slowly began cleaning his glasses, the others watching him. He calmly placed them back on his face and carefully picked up a bag of icing and made his way over to the trash, which was just past Patton, who was now wringing his hands in concern. 

"Logan? I'm sorry, are you oka-!"

Logan squished the bag onto Patton's face and quickly ducked out of range. 

"For every action there is a reaction. I believe that could also be considered karma?" He said with his lips curling slightly up into a soft smirk.

Patton simply stood there, dripping with frosting and staring at Logan in shock. Roman hid his smile behind his hand as he stepped forward and opened his mouth.

"You good, Pat-?"

But he was promptly splattered in bright green across his face and clothes while Patton cackled in delight.

"What the FRICK-!"

"Oh, kiddo! I'm so proud of you! You remembered not to curse!"

"Not on _p__urpose_-"

The sound of their friendly banter was cut off by a completely different sound that was rather rare. It grew in volume and intensity, and they all stared at Anxiety in shock and his body shook uncontrollably before he clasped his hands over his mouth, eyes still sparkling with amusement and shoulders shuddering.

Anxiety, the dark and gloomy never-showing-any-emotion trait- was_ laughing_.

And not even in his normal mocking snigger or haughty scoffing. 

Full body laughing that came from your core.

Roman saw the purple icing again and inched towards it, grabbing it as discreetly as possible. As Anxiety's laughter slowly started fading away, he smeared purple all over the other side's jacket, making sure to cover as much space as possible before darting out of range.

Examining the dark trait, he was struck with a rather abrupt thought that came from out of the blue.

_Huh. He actually looks good in purple... and it's obvious that he likes the color._   


_So why doesn't he wear it?_

** _Obviously you make him uncomfortable enough that he doesn't want you to know anything about his likes or_ _ dislikes._ **

Roman twitched back at the unpleasant thought.

Unfortunately, he didn't flinch back far enough to avoid a swipe of red to the face.

He looked up and gave Anxiety a look, but the other merely shrugged and said with a self satisfied smirk, "Oops. Sorry, Princey."

He narrowed his eyes. _Oh, now it's on._

Launching a glob of the frosting at Anxiety yielded no positive results- or at least it wouldn't have if he had hit Logan instead. 

While Patton managed to get blue in Anxiety's hair before dancing away to get out of the crossfire.

And thus began on of the messiest food fights possibly ever known to man (or woman or non-binary or gender-fluid because we are fucking inclusive in this fandom and it's awesome).

At some point Logan had called a truce with Anxiety after the smaller male had allowed himself to get hit with a blob of pink to the eye rather than let Logan go briefly blind, and Patton and Roman were forced to team up to counter them. 

But when it was finally decided to clean up, they all walked away with massive grins on their faces, and seemed a bit more at peace with each other.

For now at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually think this came out very well, but I realized that I need to update, so... Ta-da?  
Thanks for reading!


	3. SORRY NOT AN UPDATE

Hello people who have clicked this for some odd reason!

I just wanted to let you guys know that I won't be updating for a while longer.

Everything was confiscated because of a thing that I did and am now regretting.

I came out as non-binary.

To my parents, who aren't quite homophobic, but close enough that I should've known better.

So.

Yes.

I'm gonna be jotting down some more ideas and chapters so when (if) I get access to the internet back I can just kinda throw that at ya'll.

Right now I'm using my friends phone to let you people know, so thanks gurl!

See you later!

-Soul_Vixen

(P.S. Remember to be proud of who you are, you fucking fantastic human beans!)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys.  
So I know it's been a while and I'm very sorry for that, but I did (sort of) get access to the internet back!  
This is absolute trash, but I figured I should at least post something to let people know I'm alive.
> 
> Also, thank you so much to everyone that offered support when I was... having problems, I guess would be the best way to phrase it?

_ Virgil.  _

_ Viiiiiirrrrrrrggggilllllllllll.  _

_ Virge. _

_ Virg-il  _

Roman stared at the ceiling, testing the name, rolling it around in his mind. Lifting an arm from where he was splayed across his bed, he rubbed his face tiredly. 

Since learning Anxiety’s ( _ Virgil’s _ ) name, they had made an effort to not fall into the vicious cycle of snapping at each other and turning away in a huff with one of them ( _ both of them _ ) feeling more hurt than they let on. Turning over, he stared at his fingers as they flexed, slowly opening before clenching into a loose fist.

“Hey, kiddos?” Patton’s voice drifted through the air. “Can everyone come downstairs for a moment? I want your opinions on something!”

Sitting up, Roman carefully listened to the soft, deliberate steps that passed by his room without a single pause and felt a slight twinge of disappointment. Brushing it off, he swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood up, cracking his back as he twisted to the right, then the left. Reaching for the door, he pulled it open and nearly ran into it as he caught a glimpse of dark clothes and wide, startled eyes. Both of them jerked back with a startled sound (from Roman, it was more like a squawk, but from Anx- _ Virgil _ , it was more like an alarmed clicking noise). 

Pressing a hand to his chest he huffed out a short breath and moved his hand up to his face before bringing it back down and sighing.

Throwing a smile at the smaller side, he inclined his head slightly. “Ah, Virgil! What brings you here?”

The darker side shuffled his feet, keeping his eyes on the ground with only occasional glances up at Roman. “Patton called us down. I wanted to make sure you were coming.”

“Thank you for your concern, my dark and stormy knight,” Roman stepped into the hall, grateful that Virgil hadn’t tried to pull a Logan (barging into his room with a single knock as a warning) or a Patton (peering through the slightly cracked doorway before announcing his presence cheerfully). Instead, the darker side averted his eyes as Roman latched his door, ensuring that his privacy remained...well,  _ private _ . “But there’s no need.” Holding out an arm, he offered it to the other and felt a spark of joy as a smile quirked the corner of Virgil’s mouth which was quickly followed by absolute terror at the fact that he offered the arm that was still covered in ( _ fresh _ ) painfully healing cuts. He sucked in a quiet breath as he noticed the movement of Virgil’s hand, which was quickly aborted in favor of gripping his hoodie sleeve, knuckles white against the dark gray fabric. 

Roman watched Virgil pull back with a dry chuckle, inwardly sickened at how his heart was slowing it’s frantic pace. 

“Didn’t take you for the gentlemanly type, Princey.”

“Well, there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, Dark and Brooding!” Roman swept his arm out again, this time gesturing towards the stairs. “Shall we join the others?”

Virgil shrugged noncommittally. “Sure.”

Rolling his eyes (albeit fondly, despite what others may have assumed), the fanciful side lead the way down the stairs.

***

Virgil watched the other strut away, proud as a peacock and regal as a lion, and thought about his words.  _ There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. _ His eyes traced to his own arms where he could clearly envision the jagged markings under his dull attire. 

_ Oh, Princey, _ he thought.  _ If you only you knew. _

Following the elder, who was now prattling on and on about a new idea, he tried not to think of the hidden meaning behind those words. 

_Does his mean the same as mine though?_   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding my coming out (which I didn't even do fully, just wait till I tell them I'm ace) I'm.... working on it. I'm not accepted (not even close) and now they keep using my deadname. 
> 
> As to how I'm fairing with that, well...   
I haven't stopped, but I'm much better.

**Author's Note:**

> So?  
Good? Bad?  
Mediocre?
> 
> More soon!


End file.
